Indira today

                                                                          Indira Today



You know that moment when you realise that life has hit your child for the first time and  that first time is hard. Hard for them and hard for you too. You know that  that’s the first time they are experiencing something that they have never experienced before. 

She is 8, actually will turn 8 in exactly 13 days. My baby, always smiling, always happy. A child so easy to raise that I miss her when she’s gone away all day. I miss her hug ever so often.....

I want to hold on to her childhood as tightly as possible and for as long as possible. 

She expresses her emotions only fleetingly. I am aware of this so am consciously trying to catch on to that expression or those two words that she may unconsciously say about stuff going on in her life.

Though she talks all the time, a big chatter box i tell you, asks one question after another , tells me stories of the shows she watches and also flaunts her knowledge about things she knows. We read books together. Actually she is the reason I read books at all.  It seems like she can never have a fill of listening to songs and jump like an enthused gymnast all day.

Her lack of expressing her emotions sometimes confuse me. Mums tell me the kind of stuff  their 7 year olds share with them so i know kids at this age share. She has so many friends, in the building and in her class too. Is she is so mature that she is emotionally detached with friends at this age, because she hardly has any complaints?  Is she very sensitive and doesn’t even want to talk about it?
Maybe she’s just 7 and deserves a break from her mother over thinking all this. 

Other mothers tell me that she is very kind and mature and they love having her over. This fills me with pride. 

She is mature and that is why probably she doesn’t complain too much , doesn’t demand too much, mostly listens to me and when she doesn’t, hearts of hearts I am ok with it at that point of time. 

As she starts class 3 next week,  today after the class is shuffled, in my phone she sees the list of kids in her class to realise that none of her friends are in her division except one who has many other friends in the class apart from her. Her best friend is with another great friend in a different division.

Before today, she would cry like a child does. Loudly, with animated expressions like any other kid. After today I understand that that kind of crying is so much simpler to deal with. You reason out with them, get angry with them, or give them a time out. If nothing works, make use of your position in their lives so boss them to shut them up. 

Today it was different. I saw her eyes full to the brim with sadness and tears overflowing like a grown up. Lying face down on her bed and when offered to hug she immediately rolled towards me. Hugged me and cried silently leaving a wet patch on the bed below her face. That moment my heart broke into a million pieces, broke because it felt so weak. I was hugging her so tight as if trying to touch her heart to console it. I was crying the same silent cry.
I am a grown up, have been doing it this way for years. I know all I want when I am expressing sadness, is not anyone telling me i am being ridiculous but someone I love only telling me, they understand my feelings and that soon it’s going to be ok. That is exactly what I did. I could see her cuddling to me like a ball of mush... 

"Indira, do i expect you to become a brave human being? Of Course"

Yes she cried today and i cried too but who says you have to be brave from the moment you are hurt? From the moment you are sad? or from the moment you are disappointed? Its important to fully experience whatever emotion that incident has evoked.

Experience, express and then reason out.

I want to give you space to share unabashedly about whatever is going on in your heart.
If you have the toughest most important exam the next day, its absolutely ok for you to talk about the tiff you've had with your boyfriend.
If you are jealous of your best friend getting better marks in a subject than you,  it is ok to express that you are jealous.
If you are not invited to particular party, it is ok to express that you feel left out.
It is ok to take a decision on your own terms, failing at it and regretting it. Important is being able to talk about it.

It is ok to cry, ok to regret, ok to be jealous, ok to feel under confident.... what is not ok, is living with these negative emotions, what is not ok is not being able to come out of negativity, it is not ok to not being able to get up after the fall, it is not ok to only pretend to be brave for the world when inside you are broken, just holding yourself together with bandages. It is ok to express and ask for help.

“Indira, today as you embark on your journey to a new class, I know you have some insecurities and nervousness. I know it all seems unfamiliar at this point. It may take you some days, a couple of weeks or maybe a month to make new friends, but I can assure you that very soon you will have new friends. It is not the first time life has thrown a curve ball at you. It has happened a few times before too. Change of cities, schools and homes. You have been through all that but it’s the first time you are experiencing it. It is the first time you are experiencing the fear of unknown. It’s the first time of many many more such times to come. I can surely not control what life throws at you and when but I can tell you with certainty that moments and incidents like these will make you stronger... life will give you what it will give you, you can take it with a brave heart and smile on your lips or you can feel week and low, longer than its required. 

How about you take it just the way you feel like taking it at that moment, experience the emotion to its fullest, then think about it and then reason out and finally emerge a BRAVEHEART?"